CUDDLY AS PORCUPINES:

Those of you who know our family won’t be surprised to hear that our kids are not very cuddly. If you would like the experience of hugging our children, here’s what you do. Find a two by four, just lying around. Pick it up. (At this point, imagine that the two by four starts writhing around in your arms. Like a possessed snake). Now, hug the two by four. And then take it and punch yourself in the stomach with it, and then fling it across the room. Congratulations, you have just hugged a Johnson.

But with Beckham, I have found a very useful trick. Beckham has a blanket that he loves more than life itself. He has named this blanket “Bootie” and the two of them have a very special relationship. If I spread the blanket out on the floor, he gets very excited and throws himself on top of it, burying his face in it and screaming with joy. At this point, I’ll sneak my legs under the blanket. Presto, magico, my kid is cuddling with me. Or at least with my legs. Of course, once he realizes he has been duped, he gives me a look like, “How dare you cuddle with Sir Bootie,” and he gathers up Bootie and stomps off in a huff. So on those rare moments when he feels like cuddling (when he’s not feeling well or when he doesn’t realize what he’s doing) we have to snap a picture. I’m like, “Honey- grab the camera quick! Beckham’s sitting on my lap, and he’s not struggling!”

With Carter it’s getting a little easier because he understands the power of a bribe. And a threat. “Carter, if you give me hugs, I’ll take you to the “Magic Kingdom” (McDonald’s).” Or: “Carter, give me hugs or Harry Potter will have to go to time out.” This one doesn’t really make sense, but Carter has no way of knowing that I don’t have the power to put a fictional boy in time out. As far as he’s concerned, Mommy is all powerful.