Monday, January 4, 2010

A Metrosexual and His Review of the Bachelor

Tonight marked the 44th edition of the Bachelor. I decided to sit down and give a review of this exciting event.

Right from the opening introduction, we are greeted to 37 shots of him shirtless (including breaking through the water in dramatic fashion) and 26 shots of him in his pilot's uniform. I can only imagine if a Computer programmer was the new bachelor...shots of him in flannel shirts, t-shirts and rugbys. So hott! We go on to continue to learn that he is a pilot. I thought that there might be a chance considering all of the shots of him in his pilot uniform and the constant showing of jets in the sky. In the first few minutes, we have been shown that he is a pilot, shirtless and a motorcycle rider. I fully expect to see him wielding an ax shortly as well as saving a puppy from a fire.

Notable Jake Quotes, with no Commentary needed:
"My office is at 37,000 feet."
"Flying is my art."
"Being an average pilot is not my goal."
"Would you give up flying for love? Love is more powerful than flying."
"I want inner beauty." Yeah, whatever.
"God, Family, Friends. In that order."
"I like to fly planes shirtless" (Ok, I made up that one)

Notable Jake Quotes with my own obligatory Commentary
"I can only hope that I will have a traditional marriage." So, does that mean is not going to be gay? Thanks for the clarification. I think we will see only women vying for his attention, no men on this Bachelor.

"I am going to walk away with a fiance. I can just feel it!" What does that feel like Jake?

"I am risking it all for love." What are you risking? Will you be beheaded if you don't find love? Will they castrate you Jake if you don't find love? "I have had a lot of first dates." No way Jake, a shirtless pilot can't get a second date? Shocking.

"I sure wish some ladies here would take off my shirt and feel my abs." Ok, I made up this quote.

Selection Process
As the show progresses, the show then decided it would be a good idea to give Jake some help. So, they sent him some help to decide who to pick. Could they have picked worst helpers EVER? So, who is going to help Jake?
  • The girl who dumped Jake in the last season of the Bachelorette.
  • The guy who Jake said was a lying scumbag in the last season of Bachelorette.
I seriously bet Jake wanted to beat the crap out of both of them...but he got stuck with them. I don't think he took their advice too seriously. Oh, did you know that Jake is a pilot? He also does not like to wear shirts.

The Contestants with my top 6 shown below, in order:

*Ali--Right from the start, this is the one that I am picking to be the final woman standing. Funny, sane and cute. Sign her up because she is going to go the distance.
*Tenley--All the previews of her show her wearing a bikini and being very bendy. She actually seems pretty sweet and Jake seems to dig her too.

*Corrie--Her first line to him was "What do you think about kissing me?" Jake had no clue how to respond to which she explained that she was joking, she is from Kissimee, Florida. Oh man. Kinda funny. She is a keeper.
*Rozlyn--She is trouble. She is pretty entertaining and she exclaimed to him, "Fasten your seatbelt, it is going to be a wild ride." Rowwr Roz! She looks like Scarlet Johansen, on a bad day.

*Elizabeth the brunette--OK, think of Megan Fox on a bad day. There you have Elizabeth. I think she just may be some trouble as well.
*Ashleigh--I think he likes her and you can sense it. She tripped into his arms and he seemed very pleased. I am not sure why he wants a clumsy girl though. Unless she planned it. And if she did, she is genius!

Crazy Favorite
*Michelle--"I am ready to become a wife." She informs us that she deserves him. I am not quite sure why she deserves him but she seemed pretty confident that she did so who am I to disagree? She also seems to be in constant melt down of seeing him talk to other women. She may implode in jealousy and rage. I would pay to see that. She spills out all of her thoughts of him...he is looking like a deer in the headlights. "I am being very honest." Honestly, get away Jake, this will NOT end well. But, I knew that he had to keep her. I have no doubt that the Bachelor producers demanded that Jake keep her. She is going to be awesome on this show!

The Middle Others (Potential but most likely not winners)

*Christina--She explains that she is 'A little bitchy.' Yep, give her a rose.
*Vienna--She informed us that she loves herself and she has a chihuahau and she proceeded to make out with her dog. She also enjoyed rubbing his abs during their initial meeting.
*Ashley--In a brilliant and dramatically strategic move, she came out in a skimpy stewardess outfit. Yep, Jake did not have a chance and she received a rose. The cameraman also seemed to enjoy focusing on her thighs as she sat next to Jake.
*Ella--She let us know that she has already planned out her life with Jake and her boy. "I know what I want and he is coming home with me" I kept thinking she was going to end that sentence with 'even if it is in a bodybag." In a wonderfully terrible bit of interaction, She told him that he had something on his tie and when he looks down, she flicks his nose. Seriously. Can he not give her a rose right now? Nope, he kept her.
*Gia--She is a poor man's Thandie Newton. (I couldn't remember Thandie's name and I said she was in Mission Impossible 3...Brodi remembered who it was and basically said, you are an idiot, it was Mission Impossible 2. Brodi is a movie savant).
*Cathryn--Reasons to get kicked off the show: Wearing a pretend wedding ring...basically wearing a ballet tutu for the opening ceremony...and proclaiming that they were made for each other because they like planes. Alas, Jake disagrees with me and kept her.

Will be gone Soon

*Valishia--That name is awesome but the girl wasn't. Jake kept her. I think because she has a strange name. I can't think of any other reason.
*Jessie--In the most cringeworthy moments of the show, she dropped the line "Do you have a registry for these guns?" (as she squeezes his arms). For that reason alone, she should be immediately kicked off the show and forced to live the life of a loner in the backwoods of Louisiana.

Already Lost

Alexa--Wants to stradle a motorcycle. She then proceeded to tell us that she makes orgasmic sounds when she gets on the bike. Egads. She comes in wearing gloves and she says that he has to allow her to fly his plane and he can ride her harley. This was definitely a euphamism.
Emily--I knew that she was a goner. She got about 3 seconds of air time. Seriously, 3 seconds. Sorry Emily, thanks for playing.
Kirsten--"I will become a bitch if someone pisses me off." She sounds lovely. Too bad she aint staying.
Channy--"My name is Channy, I forgot to tell you that." "Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime" Seriously, best line ever! Jake got rid of her though.

Other Highlights

Jake letting us know that he is a pilot...Jake driving a motorcycle...a horrible 'impromptu' game of football...Jake acting like a pilot...lots of cleavage shots...Jake with his shirt off...Jake showering.

I am exhausted. This may be my last Bachelor moment. I don't think that I can take a seasons worth of this. Readers--keep me updated on who wins this thing, but I have already placed my bet on Ali.


Brodi Ashton said...

I love it. Although I wish you didn't have to keep pausing and rewinding the show. I had to hear most of the bad lines twice!

Janae said...

Thanks for the update! I need you to continue to update weekly so I don't have to watch the show. They really brought Wes back last night?!!!

nielsons*love*family said...

oh my! way better than the show.

i sank to a new all time low last night....

i watched "converyor belt of love"...

no seriously i did.

sarathered said...

Oh, Tostito Bowl. Fiesta Bowl, whatever the heck that was ... see what I was missing?

Sam, you should get your own show. I'd love to see your comments with a photo montage and then get comments from said abs, er, I mean Bachelor.

samandbrodi said...

Bro--It was much better the second time we watched, wasn't it?

Janae--I don't know the guy's was the bachelorette and the guy that she picked. Was his name Ed? Maybe I am mixed up on it all, I am not really an expert on this show...though I try!

Dorien--You sank much lower than I did. Conveyor belt of Love? That is an AWESOME title though!

Sara--we watched the show during timeouts and halftime and after the Fiesta Bowl (though seeing TCU lose made me wish I didn't watch the Fiesta Bowl at all)...also watched the last quarter of the Jazz game. Egads.

Deanna said...

actually I'm glad TCU lost--i caught the 4th qtr. Her name is Jillian (Ed's girl). I just thought Jake was so cheesy last season--so I didn't give last night my full attention. I was sorting through CDs while trying to watch so I don't know who any of your picks are--I will get back to you. i'm waiting for Idol and 24 to start--not sure if I can do Bachelor, but knowing me I will. Krissie got me hooked on the whole thing several years ago--I blame her big time for my mush for brains. I'll get back to you to let you know if I agree with you choice.

samandbrodi said...

OK Deanna, you will have to return and report your Bachelor findings.

6deans said...

I loved your thoughts about the show. I have to admit I watched and I really don't like Jake but I still think it is pretty entertaining. I hope you keep watching because it will definately keep this season entertaining. I don't know if you saw previews but they make it look like 2 of the girls hook up in the house...CRAZY.

Laura said...

DANG, I missed it? I'm sure the highlights can be found on YouTube! LOL!!

samandbrodi said...

Emily--I don't think that I will be watching many of these so you will have to keep me updated.

Laura--If I had recorded it, I could have mailed you a copy. Make sure you track down that episode and spend a couple of hours analyzing it. Good luck!